The Story of Ian

Eight months after Sweetie was born, my endo symptoms returned in full force. At that point, my doctor wanted to start me on the Pill. I’ve never understood how a disease that is fueled by estrogen can be “cured” with more estrogen, but I decided to give it a try. Ten months later, my pain was worse than before and I couldn’t take it anymore. I quit the Pill in the middle of the cycle.

Papa Runner and I discussed what we wanted to do. Previous to that, we had always used fertility tracking/NFP as our birth control method. I was ready to try for baby 3, and Papa eventually agreed we might as well. I started charting just for my own curiosity.

The Pill really messed my body up. My fertility signs were all over the place with no clear pattern. After a month, I hadn’t had a real period yet, just the withdrawal period. I assumed it was because I hadn’t ovulated. But I was experiencing a lot of breast tenderness, so I decided to take a home pregnancy test just to be sure. It turned positive in less than ten seconds. In previous pregnancies, I had been completely sure of my dates, but not this time. I knew I had to be at least 4 weeks along, but could have been as much as 6.

I scheduled an appointment with my OB for a sono at 8 (10?) weeks. The next two weeks or so I had mild morning sickness and extreme breast tenderness. Then one morning I woke up feeling completely fine. In one sense, it was nice to feel normal again. At the same time, I was a little concerned. Could this mean my hormone levels were dropping? That wouldn’t be good news.

One week later at 7.5 (9.5?) weeks, I started spotting. I knew immediately this would lead to another miscarriage. The nurse at the office wasn’t concerned, however, and didn’t want to bring me in. She told me to just take it easy over the weekend (it was a Friday) and call back on Monday. If my bleeding go too heavy or pain too severe, I should head to the ER.

Over the next two days, my bleeding got heavier and heavier, but never so much that I thought I should be in a hospital. I was content to let things play out at home. On Saturday, I passed several large clots. By Monday morning when I went in for a blood test, even the nurse knew it was over. A few hours later it was confirmed: my hormone levels were too low to maintain a pregnancy.

In some ways, losing Ian was easier than losing Grace. I didn’t have the same panic or long wait for confirmation. In others, it was harder. It took a lot longer to get back on track emotionally. A few sessions with a therapist helped. I now have two more dates marked in my head: July 26 and March 12. We may do another balloon release in March, or we may plant a tree this time.

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That's it for birth/pregnancy stories for me until August 4. Okay, it's likely the twins will be here before then, but I'm still hoping to reach my due date for once.