The Story of Grace

My second pregnancy was unusual from the very beginning. We were ready to try for a second child, but had to wait for Papa Runner to get home from India since timing didn’t work out the two weeks we were together all summer. I had recently been diagnosed with endometriosis and had severe pain 14 days per month. It’s interesting, to say the least, when you have to take a Vicodin an hour before bed to be able to, you know, try.

In late October, we got the unexpected news that my grandfather was dying and spent three days at his bedside. It was during his visitation I had a very painful cyst flare up. Knowing there was a reasonable chance I could be pregnant, I called the doctor to see what pain meds were safe for me. They wanted me to come in immediately due to the possibility of ectopic pregnancy. I didn’t go in that day, but headed to the ER immediately after the funeral the next day. It was there we found out I was very early pregnant (and not ectopic.) Sonogram #1 confirmed a large cyst, but it was too early to see baby.

I made a follow-up appointment with my OB, who scheduled a sono for the same time even though I would only be 6 weeks along, the earliest you can hope to see anything. Sono #2 revealed a well developed egg sac but no sign of baby, but at that point there was no concern because it was very early.

That same week, we got the news that my best friend’s baby was dying (long expected but never easy.) Again, I spent three days sitting with the family. It was during this time that I first got a premonition that something was wrong with my own baby. I tried to ignore it as just paranoia, and who could blame me for being paranoid with what I was witnessing?

At 8 weeks, I had sono #3. Once again, there was no sign of baby. It took a while for it to sink in that this wasn’t good news. The doctor wanted to run several tests, but did not offer much hope. The first blood test came back with hormone levels normal for the stage of pregnancy I was supposed to be at. We had expected the levels to be low. A repeat test a few days later was expected to show levels the same or lower, but to our confusion they were higher, still exactly where they were supposed to be. A third test a few days later showed the levels were still rising right on target.

At this point we were thoroughly confused. Was I pregnant or not? We decided to do another sono at 10 weeks to see if anything was finally visible. Sadly, my picture perfect egg sac was still empty. At that point we decided to do a D&C, because for whatever reason my body was charging ahead with a pregnancy and no baby.

Coping with the death of my second child was not easy. One thing that comforted me was giving the baby a name: Grace. I had a strong sense that she would have been a girl. The pathology report came back with no evidence of fetal tissue, so we concluded that she had died very early on and my body had reabsorbed her. Why I didn’t then miscarry naturally is a mystery. On her estimated due date, July 11, we had a balloon release as a family. I still quietly mark the day on July 11 and December 15, the date of my D&C. I often wonder if she knows how much she was loved and wanted and missed.