I'm really curious to know how people would handle these hypothetical situations.
Situation 1: Your coworker Lucy is not at work today. Word spreads through the office that her father died suddenly last night. What do you do?
a: Tell her you're sorry for her loss when she returns.
b: Leave a note of sympathy on her desk.
c: Do nothing. Grief is private, and if she wants to talk with you she will.
Now let's alter it slightly.
Situation 2: Your coworker Lucy recently announced her pregnancy, but is not at work today. Word spreads through the office that she miscarried. What do you do?
a: Tell her you're sorry for her loss when she returns.
b: Leave a note of sympathy on her desk.
c: Do nothing. Grief is private, and if she wants to talk with you she will.
Was your response different? Why or why not?
6 comments:
Here is what I would want do in each situation.
If Lucy's father died, I'd tell her that I'm sorry for her loss when she returns.
If Lucy had a miscarriage, I would either do the same thing, or if I knew Lucy's phone number or could get it in some way, I would call her and ask her if I could bring a meal over.
My response would be different because in my head loosing a child is much harder than loosing a parent. I'm sure that loosing a parent is extremely hard, but we expect children to live for many, many years. Loosing a child before he/she even had a chance to be born is something that would be excruciating, in my opinion.
I have not lost either.
The idea here that you seem to be putting forth is "People will grieve the adult death but not the miscarriage." The questions seem like an artificial dilemma, Jen - but it isn't really an either/or situation.
Many people are very private about such things. They don't want to discuss it; they feel devastated by their loss, and miscarriage is such a very personal loss. In the case of deaths of people who have already lived life outside of the uterus, other people grieve the person that they knew. No one knows the person of a miscarried child - except the mother. That is one reason why the situation is very different, and why some mothers are more private than others.
You have chosen over the years to be very public about your grief over your two miscarried children. That is your right. Others may see that approach as being too out there for them, but each of us has to decide how to approach grief (and life for that matter) and let others' responses be as they may.
So, in answer to your question: In the case of the adult death, of course I would speak to the person involved. In the case of the miscarriage, I might say something, might not. I would try to be sensitive to the cues being put out by the person involved, in order to best let that person know that I care without putting her in an awkward position.
Ann, I don't see it as an either/or question. I really am just curious about how people handle others' grief. As I said on Facebook, different people will grieve differently, and I agree with you that it's important to follow the person's cues regardless of the type of loss.
I can also only speak for myself with how I wanted things to be handled and how they actually were handled. The fact that no one else had a connection to my babies and therefore couldn't share my grief was hard for me. Even if others did not grieve with me, I still found it helpful when they supported me. There were exactly seven people outside of immediate family who made the effort to offer me their sympathy. I remember exactly who they were and what they said. But when the majority of people ignored what had happened, it wasn't because they were following my cues and respecting my privacy, it was because they themselves weren't comfotable. I had several formerly-close friends distance themselves from me, and that hurt. Judging from the response of hundreds of women to the original Good Housekeeping article, I think it's safe to say that you shouldn't ignore a miscarriage solely because you assume it should be private. Following cues and offering support and sympathy if it seems welcome can mean a lot to some women.
But you also referred to infant loss and miscarriage, and people's hesitancy to discuss it, as being a "taboo" subject. That's not really fair to other people who are more private and may not feel as comfortable (which is not in any sense a taboo - defined as "improper and unacceptable in society").
I'm sorry you didn't get the support you think that you should have gotten. I just know that miscarriage, both discussion of recent ones and those that have taken place years ago, is not nearly as open for most people as it is for you. It doesn't mean that others don't care. And you have every right to form opinions about them for that more private approach -- just like others can form opinions about you based on your public discussions of the topic.
Ann, I appologize if I came off as judgemental toward mothers who grieve differently from myself. That was not my intent at all. My comment about miscarriage being taboo was about those who have the opportunity to support women who want support and choose not to because "miscarriage is supposed to be private."
That's OK, Jen - no problem. I'm just glad we can have an open discussion (from 700 miles apart!!!) and air both sides. Keep up the good work rearing those precious children.
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