I've been reading a fascinating book called
The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. It's all about who commits violence, the warning signs that most people miss, and how to trust your instincts to keep yourself safe. He talks about many types of violence: serial rapists/murderers, wife beaters, stalkers, children who kill parents. I had just finished the chapter on attention-seeking crimes entitled, "Better to be Wanted by the Police than Not Wanted At All," when I heard about Aurora, CO. Why did this man commit this crime? Easy! He wanted the attention. And we're giving him exactly what he wants.
De Becker maintains violent people are in many ways just like the rest of us, and only in a few ways are they different. They want to feel powerful. They want to matter. And when they can't get what they want in socially acceptable ways, they turn to violence to make it happen.
On Facebook the last few days, I've seen this picture from several friends. I don't know if this note is real, or if someone made it up. More important to me, it has tens of thousands of likes. We like it because we like justice: the bully will get what he deserves in the form of a beating. The bullied will be protected. But is justice more important than safety? Will the bully react the way the rest of us would, avoiding the pain and embarassment of a showdown with the linebacker? Remember, his goals in bullying is to be powerful and significant. Will this make him more or less powerful? More or less significant? Will his desire to avoid the linebacker be greater than his desire for power and significance?
Maybe the bully will stop bothering the gay kid (or maybe not). Maybe he'll avoid the linebacker (or maybe he'll bring a gun to school to get revenge for stealing his power and making him insignificant). Maybe this note will temporarily avoid violence. But not forever. Eventually, one way or another, this bully will get his power and significance. Maybe he'll shoot his boss in revenge for firing him. Maybe he'll stalk an ex-girlfriend. Maybe he'll beat his wife and children.
Or maybe, he'll walk into a crowded theater and open fire. What can be more powerful than taking someone's life? What can be more significant than being on the news for months, years even?
We say tragedies like these are "senseless", yet our very society contributes to it by advocating violence. How different could it be if, instead of threatening and embarrasing the bully, someone helped him find his power and significance in something other than violence?
